This is my new journal. I have been writing consistently since March 2000. It is my 11th journal, and I just started it, coincidently, on the first day of this yr. I bought it in Korea 2 years ago (or was it in Singapore 1.5 yrs ago?). Either way, when it was purchased I was only a quarter through my previous journal and starting this one felt so far away. …Yet here I am, and in a position I never expected to be… because time keeps moving and life tends to throw the unexpected at you.
I often, very often, read back through old journals. I like to search for patterns, reminders, lessons. They are my life’s “textbooks”. I can see how things I felt were so dire, pan out. I see resolutions to problems and drama. I see worries that ultimately did not need to be worried about. And I see the same topics come up, over, and over again. I write about the good and the bad. I write about family, a lot about my work and career, and… relationships. I’ve written a lot about relationships, girls. I hate that. I know there are guys (and girls) who can move easily through emotions and relationships. But so much of my joy, and struggles, are at the mercy of a female. W/out trying to be poetic about it… “girl problems”.
I hate “girl problems” because on the surface, it seems so petty, so #firstworldproblems. I can’t help but think about my parents and the “real” problems they dealt with. Immigrating here in their late 20s w/ nothing. Or our grandparents, living in poverty, through horrific wars and revolutions. Their problems were “survival”. And here I am writing years and years, pages and pages about “i like her”, “I can’t move on”, “what do i do..wah wah”. While my grandma had to flee her city from the invading Japanese. Okay, phil.
While I will (hopefully) never experience that degree of suffering, I am reminded that in the end, we are all still human. And as humans we need/crave companionship and love. Due to the circumstances the generations before had to endure, they may have had to swallow their concerns and fears with love, but nonetheless, they too had girl problems, right? And even if not back then, nowadays, after their world has calmed down a bit, the result of their swallowed feelings surface. Resentment, regret… a whole other level of “relationship problems”, weighted with decades of weight.
So, what appears to just be girl problems, maybe is rooted in my family problems, which is rooted in those bigger cultural and global problems from the previous century. Not to blow my “issues” out of proportion, but perhaps I’m just the latest edge of a ripple which began decades ago… centuries ago? Wasn’t Helen of Troy just a big girl problem? Cleopatra? Were lovers not lost and longed for due to wars and expeditions West? I suppose I should be thankful girl problems are the bulk of my burden. (and fortunately I have the sympathies of Jay-Z) #pointsifyougetit
I have no idea if any of that made sense. I’m not going to even proofread. Excuse the typos. And I apologize in advance… what’s to follow may also be just about girl problems. ugh, i know. I also hope I can be consistent with this blog. It’d be really sad/embarrassing if this was like, my only post for months.
EDIT: I proofread. No excuses now.