I turned 30 yesterday. I’m not really freaking out though. Aside from not being able to use the excuse “well I’m in my twenties” to explain why my life is still so unsettled, and the fact that I won’t be able to apply all those wonderful thoughtcatalogue and elitedaily articles telling me 23 things I should’ve done in my twenties.. I see life just going on. In many ways, I actually feel oddly young (to my parents displeasure surely), and I think that’s because.. I’m really only about 13 years old.
If you are in your mid-late twenties, hell, even in your 30s, and you still feel lost, confused where it all goes, what it all means, and that you need more time.. I think it’s because we actually haven’t had that much time to figure things out. Our minds are much younger than our body. I still feel young despite turning 30 because I’ve only had like 13 years of fully registered, cognizant, self-aware life. Do you feel the same? If not, lemme explain…
These were your awkward prepubescent years, turning you into an angst filled teen, transforming into a young adult. The first half of the decade are pretty fuzzy to me, iono about you, but I don’t know what my day to day was like when I was 10 or even 13, not like how I know 20 or 23 were. Generally yes, school, afternoons watching tv, summer trips.. but let’s be honest, can you really say you grasped your life at that age? Even into high school, sure I have very clear memories and cognition of my feelings and choices, but my world was still very limited. It wasn’t until maybe Junior year (16) that my head and heart really started to gain control of my life.
Man, we couldn’t even poo on our own for the first 2 years much less really know we were living a finite life. These years shouldn’t count toward our age, honestly. I’m starting to believe that those first 10-15 years of our life, we existed more as a life challenge for our parents. An accessory/extension to them that developed and shaped their lives, through the shaping of ours. We didn’t truly live for ourselves as a kid running amuck, and definitely not as a baby or toddler. We lived to teach and grow our parents if you think about it. To be like, ‘You will learn through me and my wailing and feces what real love is. In exchange you get to dress me up in cute costumes, and pose me next to monuments and share those pictures with your friends.’
Now, 3 decades in, the number of years truly living for myself?.. 13, maybe 14. So all these pressures of turning 30, that just doesn’t make sense. I’m a freaking preteen, <voice cracking> What do you want from me, man??