All the heavy lifting

(this post makes broad generalizations. Apologies & acknowledging in advance)

I read all the comments that are left on my posts. I might not reply, but I really do, and for the most part, they’re really interesting to read and I’m glad that what I write can compel you to share your opinion. I write a lot on the topic of emotions and relationships and I’ve noticed that a large portion of the comments are left by females. One can assume that a lot of ppl who follow me are girls, or only girls take the time to read & and write comments, and while those explanations do have merit, I think it’s something else…

Women are tougher than men. Yes, both physically and emotionally. This conclusion comes from observing my mother (and many other mothers of their immigrant generation), and by looking at the girls who’ve shaped my personal life. Reading some of the comments left by females further confirm this and compelled me to write about it.

PHYSICALLY – Beyond opening jars
I won’t spend too long on the physical comparisons. This isn’t about who can bench press more weight (although I’ve definitely been out squat and cruched by a girl heh), but I actually think girls are stronger than they allow themselves to be. (I totally encourage girls to not be afraid of that.) Physical pain is also a good test of one’s toughness, and this part of the debate ends with the fact that girls have to deal w/ a monthly visitor most of their life and go through labor. I can’t imagine men dealing with those things any better to be honest, regardless of how much more I can curl than them.

EMOTIONALLY – Guys are emotional messes too
So the conversation continues into emotional toughness, which I believe women take by a landslide. The knee jerk reaction might be to think this is totally false because, women cry and have breakdowns and are “too sensitive” etc, but I’d argue that men feel all those things (we’re all human), and actually manifest those emotions in much more detrimental ways. There are large scale indications of this just by looking at society. More men leave their families, more single parent homes are just the mother, more men commit adultery than women, most of the time it’s men who have “commitment issues”. My theory is that men can’t take pressure as well as women. They’d rather run from problems and they lash out and act irrationally when they can’t figure out their emotions. (remember my very first sentence?) When things aren’t going right in life, when faced with real challenges, women step up and hold their ground and are more willing to compromise for the overall good. When obstacles mess everything up, they are able to dig deep and pull themselves out (even if it is just a front) while guys stereotypically mask the problems or are too weak to make changes.

This is where the comments of my blog come in. I write a lot of about uncertainty in love/relationships, about being afraid, and even specially TO men about commitment issues… and it’s funny that it’s girls who are responding with their own experiences of believing in love, trusting their man, pushing and working to make a relationships last even if it’s not right. And the men? Crickets. I’m a dude sharing my dude problems, why are girls giving me advice?? It’s not the same. Let’s talk dudes! But a guy’s comments/thoughts are few and far between. Why? 1, Pride? We might not want to admit our faults/struggles because it makes us look bad. 2, Guys don’t think about this much and therefore don’t even realize there’s a problem. 3, Yeah, maybe I just really have no guys wanting to read about relationships (although I really think guys should read because… yo, I keep it real here. I’m not feeding romantic fairy tales or anything)

MATERNALLY SPEAKING – Nothing stronger
I think about my mother, and all the sacrifices she made in her life and her aspirations to fit my father’s needs, and ultimately my family’s. This is not the life she imagined for herself, but she loves her children, she is mentally grounded, and she’s made it work for the last 30+ years. Not saying my father is weak (he has definitely kept up his part of the “deal” with his own sacrifices), but I will always be amazed by a mother’s love. Several of my previous girlfriends were from single family homes where the mom held up the family after the father left/divorced. Thinking about this makes me very emotional, and further impressed/grateful that incredible girls were able to rise from that missing male figure. That strength was then applied to me as well, when they were able to stand stronger than me when we faced significant challenges. I guess that was the true reason behind this tweet last year…

Screen shot 2015-03-08 at 6.04.57 PM
“others”, meaning.. women.

I won’t even get into the societal pressures and gender issues they have to deal with in media/the workplace/everywhere. There’s nothing I need to (or should have to) explain or convince in that area.

Anyway, this has gone on long enough. I wonder how many men will speak up to disagree.. boys, your silence will only confirm what I say. jk… really though, I hope I haven’t offended anyone who grew up with an incredible single father, or a guy who held down his relationships like a true man (that’s another post, one that’ll praise boys). This post was in no way meant to talk down on men, instead it was to uplift and give credit to girls. I’m not saying women don’t cheat and women don’t do terrible things to good people.. All humans are weak in a variety of ways, but girls… the older we all get, the more I’m constantly amazed by you.


56 thoughts on “All the heavy lifting

    1. This girl, grown and matured to be a mother myself, thanks you. I really try to be tough and strong for my son and husband and at the same time show them great love. It’s really hard at times though. My patience has been put to the test and balancing everything to do what’s best for the family is so hard. I’m glad I don’t have to do it alone and commend the single parents out there.

  1. Hi, Phil! I’m a big fan and just wanted to chime in on this topic. Although I can agree with you to a certain extent, the opposite has been true in my case. Roughly six months ago, my wife of nearly fourteen years walked out and took our two small children with her. She gave some weak excuses for her actions and didn’t even have the decency to tell me face-to-face that she was leaving. I came home to find an empty house and a note. I tried for so long to make things work to no avail. Now I’m left to pick up the pieces and try to move on. That being said, there are a lot of strong women out there but please don’t sell us guys short either. When push comes to shove, we are also very capable of stepping up to the bat.

    1. damn joseph. I’m very sorry to hear that. In no way am I trying to marginalize guys and say that good men do not exist in the wake of some terribly difficult challenges. Thank you for being one of the good examples and sharing your story. I respect that and wish you the best as I’m sure you will find.

  2. My day is always brighter when I read your posts. So many emotions went through me while reading this. The struggle of being a woman mostly. Gosh, I could go on and ON about that! However, let’s not. It is really difficult being female. Many of us are trapped in the world’s limitations of us. Afraid, because we’ve been socialized to fear those who are “stronger”and socialized thus to acknowledge our “weakness”, and tolerant because if we don’t do it, who will? I agree so much with you saying that (some) men run away. What they leave behind are the women who acknowledge that they have a job to do (taking care of children, dealing with the heartbreak) and this isn’t seen as strength. It is seen as submissiveness to the strength and the flightiness of man. You give me hope and a light heart through these posts and I am grateful for them. Knowing that you read all of these comments makes me even more grateful! 😀 Keep being awesome Phil! And I’ll keep coming back to read more! 😀

  3. Phil, thanks for sharing. your post has given me more on understanding how’s men think. guys thoughts. thanks for being so real.

  4. Hey Phil,

    I’ve actually been following your blog posts since you first began. I guess the main reason I’ve never commented is because I don’t know what to say or what advice to give. (I’m only 14.) For the most part, I definitely agree with you on most of these comparisons. Women are much stronger than stereotypes portray them to be, and should be encouraged to not be afraid of showing their true strength, both emotionally and physically.

    However, I believe that strength shouldn’t be compared between genders, but rather, individuals. Everyone is human and has different strengths and weaknesses. So instead of generalizing men and women, let’s focus on individual traits. 🙂

    Also, Happy International Women’s Day!

  5. What a great post! I couldn’t help but think, “this is why we need feminism.” That F word may cause anxiety and/or antagonism from people reading this, but I honestly think that combating those ideals surrounding gender roles and expectations (for everybody) will bring positive change. In any case, thank you for writing this.

  6. Thanks for sharing bout this Phil, It really changed the way I see life and women. made an account @ Gravatar just because of your blog!!! (I’m new here xD) I’m so amazed on how you see life. can you make a blog or what bout friendship stuff?

  7. Wow Phil, wow.. I’m trying to write a coherent comment, but I can’t find the words. All I can say is great, great post. It’s inspirational to me, as a girl.. kind of like… I don’t know how strong I actually am. But as you said, we’re all humans and we’re all capable inside to be strong. Thanks for the great read!

  8. Phil, all I can say is thank you for writing this, recognizing/uplifting women and encouraging your male counterparts to join the conversation. Keep on learning and writing about love, we all need a little more love in this world!

  9. I always love your writings and thoughts 🙂 great great post!
    i actually not in a good place of my life right now, but your post reminded me to stay strong and i can be strong 😉
    thank you for all the inspirations and feels you gave me :’)

    and i wish i can meet you again someday ><
    please oh please come to Indonesia again soon? maybe?

  10. Wow your particular style of writing is just so easy to understand. I really connect with what you’re saying. I just wanted to share with you an example of how strong my mother is. When I was younger I used to think she was the one who was weak, who didn’t have anything in control, who totally just didn’t care about me, I was ashamed to call her my mother… But that was before I realized just how much she had had to deal with in her life. Now I can see, coming through what she has, she is an amazing women and I am so PROUD and thankful to have her in my life. She truly is the strongest woman that I know.

  11. Hey Phil

    I want to share something a grad school prof shared with me when we were chatting. She noticed that her friends who had married their “soul mates” were more likely to have broken up than the other married people. We hypothesized that people who had their “soul mates” may have had unrealistic expectations of their partners. I’ve noticed a common theme throughout your work and your writing, and from posts like this I get the impression that women and girlfriends are often put on a pedestal.

    The problem is that nobody is perfect. Nobody can be perfect. People who expect perfection (like me) are doomed to disappointment because they’re inevitably waiting for evidence that the partner will fail them. And that is an unrealistic burden to place on someone else. People are people, imperfect, flawed, they will have good qualities and crappy qualities, and even someone you love can have habits that drive you up the effing wall.

    Not to say that women aren’t tough! Far from it. Most people who are as mature as your post describe, women and men, are pretty awesome. Even with their flaws. Good luck and go find yourself a nice, flawed, strong partner. 🙂

    1. I absolutely agree with you, Pam.
      Although– I think it’s okay to put your partner on a pedestal for the proper reasons. My partner is a strong and intelligent man who amazes me every single day. He lifts me up and absolutely deserves his pedestal.

  12. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! This is the first time I’m reading your blog. It’s so great to see men give praise, dignity, and respect to women in a world that is so selfish and sex crazed. That is why I love Wong Fu Productions. I agree and disagree with your post. I completely understand that it’s a generalization and it’s your viewpoint. Women are not physically stronger than men in general (there are exceptions). Men and women are built idifferently. Men are naturally stronger; however, I will agree that a women can push her body and gain incredible strength. I agree with everything else. But I will say one more thing. I must give a shout out to my daddy! He was a single parent raising me & my brother because my mom was not interested in raising any children. He worked at night so that he could be there to see us off to school in the morning, take class trips with us, pick us up from school, help us with our homework and put us to bed at night. He never left and he still supports us today in any way he can.

  13. Thank you for writing this and giving women some credit. Even I as a girl get really amazed by women’s strength. Like the monthly visitor you wrote about, I’m really lucky to not be in so much pain every month, but I notice how even though the women around me complain whenever the topic is brought up, they actually never complain during it. They endure the pain and control their emotions really well– it’s hard to tell when they do have it because I don’t notice any change. Anyways, happy International Women’s Day!

  14. Dear Phil, you are the only male blogger I follow and it’s because you’re an honest writer whose thoughts and feelings I connect with (strange because my favourite authors are female). Thank you for this post that honours women.

    Ps/ my fiancé read your post and he totally agrees 😁

  15. I can totally relate to this article. My father did some things and my parents divorced when I was 10. I will be 20 soon.

    My mother is the strongest woman I know. She’s relied on the Lord throughout it all, and I really admire that. She’s never taken credit for getting through, she’s given all the glory to God ☝.

    And I do, too.

    Great article, Phil!

    Philippians 4:6-7
    Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

  16. I don’t know…I feel like both men and women get the same amount of difficulties in life. Physically speaking, I think men are just naturally stronger than women. Yes women have periods, but I don’t know I know of any girls who cry in pain from having them.

    Emotionally speaking I feel like men and women have it equal, I’m discounting guys who can hop from relationship to relationship (I know many who do) because guys like that look for someone who’s good in bed, not so particularly looking for someone who can connect with them on both a physical and a intellectual level; I for me I want both, not just the physical. My parents come from the slums of Hong Kong and immigrated to Canada and had me so I can live a “better life”. My parents always wanted me to pursue a career in medicine. After my first year in university, I realized I had no chance in getting into med school and decided to go the pharmacy route. It was in my first year that I met my then girlfriend of two years (I’m a junior now), and I thought this girl had everything and was nothing like my ex from high school; we could talk about anything from politics to humour. However it was during my second year that it was time to apply for pharmacy school. Long story short, my ex girlfriend got in and I didn’t. A week later I lost my job as a pharmacy assistant, and the day after my ex girlfriend texted me something along the lines of, “I can’t be with someone who can’t get their life together, it’s one thing for girls not to have their lives together but your a man, men are suppose to have it under control…” basically she broke up with me. After that I was down in the dumps.. (and kinda still am as of now). I told my parents about not getting in and ending my relationship, they weren’t too happy about it. Soon after my dad left me a voicemail and he said,” Victor, I came to this county is almost nothing. Me and your mother have no secondary education, so we rely solely on our hands to make a living so you can have a better life, if we didn’t have our hands we would no have means of finding a way to afford the life you have. I know we’ve pressured you since you were young to work in science, but if that’s not what you can do, do something that you can.” After hearing that it just made me feel worse. It’s been like almost a year, and I still feel emotional about this…jeez. I feel like I’m kind of lost right now, and I don’t want to be in a relationship since I have a bit of trust issues, and I just want to figure it out.

    I’ve been writing journals just like you, but since grade 6. I was going though one of my journals I wrote when I was 12 and apparently I wrote, “I don’t like living with my parents, being in middle school is so hard, I can’t wait to be an adult it’s going to be way easier.” Fast forward and now I’m almost 21, after reading that I’m just like, “omfg what the hell was I thinking? Being an adult is even worse than middle school, it’s emotionally draining…. Now that I’m an adult I can’t wait to freaking die…!” LOL…(jokes…).

    Yea, so guys have it just as worse as girls do emotionally speaking….(or maybe its just me).. Anyways, I feel like my post is longer than your blog post.. Thanks for sharing, I subscribed to Wong Fu like two years ago but never watched an single video from you guys. I’ve gotten into the work you guys have done since Christmas and discovered you had a blog a month ago…I can relate to the majority of the stuff you post. I can’t wait until you post something else…! PS. “Several of my previous girlfriends,” dang Philip you’ve been around !

    1. I ended up reading both Phil’s blog and your very long comment which seemed like a blog post as well. Haha.

      Reading your comment really gave me a new perspective…

      I guess the majority of the guy friends I have either never experienced the same/similar issues you’ve been through OR they aren’t willing to talk about it – but your comment really helped me understand more (about life in general)

      Reading Phil’s post, I was going “yeahhhh. Girl power. We have life harder” but I totally agree with you now. Both genders go through the same amount of hardships.

      So, with that said, thanks for sharing your very relatable story as well. I’m sure one day, you’ll have everything sorted out. “have faith, hope for the best, keep smiling no matter what, go with the flow. It’ll all be okay in the end. and if it’s not okay , then it’s not the end” I shall pass on a quote I was sent which made me feel happier

      Best of luck mannn! (And soz for kind of just intruding in)

      P.s. I do know girls who cry because of their period. I don’t even want to know what labour would be like lol

  17. Hi Phil! Two things:

    1. On behalf of girls and women everywhere, I want to say thank you for writing this piece. It means a lot to see something like this from someone I really admire. There needs to be more men like you in the world, having this kind of mindset on such a prevalent topic.

    2. I wish guys can learn to see that it doesn’t make them less of a man by showing their feelings. In my opinion, not only are guys less of a man by not showing their feelings, but less of a HUMAN too. We may be built of different structures and mind sets, but at the end of the day, we’re composed of the same elements. We all have feelings that need to be let out in some form or another. That’s one of the reasons why I really admire you as a storyteller; that as a male, you’re willing to explore such feelings.

    Your post reminded me of the director’s note that was written for the “Name” music video you guys did for afterschoolspecial several years ago. Similarity it addressed the hardships females have to go through, and that in some way, they’re kind of like superheroes. Heck, you should have added the video to this post, for it’s PERFECT for it.

    Keep the blog posts coming Phil! Whether if read by males or females, just know you have an audience who is willingly open to reading the thought nuggets you want to share.

  18. Hey Phil,

    Normally I do not comment on anything but I feel like you really want another man’s opinion. I sometimes feel as though commenting is a waste of time, just gets lost in cyberspace as white noise (unless you say something offensive or confrontational for attention). As for men commenting on relationship articles I agree with you. Most men don’t find the subject matter interesting even if it directly applies to them. I consider myself a romantic and value lost arts such as chivalry and romance, but most men are trained to avoid these issues. Something about not being “manly”.

    Ultimately, men and women are simply different. We have different ways of handling the same problems because we have been taught to apply different mindsets. We should blame society for such differences but ….. if we were the same (men and women) would that be for the best? I always think positive/negative, yin/yang, black/white. Blended together is how to keep balance, too much of anything is a bad thing.

    I believe a strong woman has difficult circumstances in life. Often my female friends complain about the burden of being a woman, having such emotions and physical conditions, fashion, sexualized bodies and impractical lifestyles. I truly feel for a woman who can handle all the pressures of a modern woman and remain strong and not bitter. However, a strong man has a difficult life as well. Men have serious societal pressures as well that we often overlook or simply don’t take seriously. As just a few examples men are demanded by society to be physically strong, the breadwinner (financially supportive even beyond his means) and emotionally steadfast (it is unfortunately not “okay” to cry, you will be viewed as weak or unstable by both men and women). The virtues of an “ideal” man are difficult if not impossible to achieve, just as difficult for an “ideal” woman.

    I wish I could say gender roles were not present in 2015 but they are here and they are unforgiving. Both men and women have a tough life and we do it to ourselves. We come up with these impossible standards yet we want to be equals and free of stereotypes. (I have found it is best to recognize these conditions and avoid placing any judgement or standards on anyone period.)

    I do understand your point. Women go through hell in certain categories (emotion, fashion, model figure, careers, menstruation, etc.) while men seemingly aren’t even phased normally in these same areas. But categories women typically do not feel pressure in also apply (finances, unreal muscular bodies, emotional foundation, security, groin hits, permanent manly attributes (size, height, “manhood” length, ability to grow facial hair), shorter life spans due to stress and fatigue, etc.). My point is not to belittle the amazing characteristics of a strong woman, they prove to us everyday that females can do amazing things; my point is we shouldn’t underestimate the sacrifices of a strong man either. Together we all can accomplish amazing things and it holds us back to neglect the importance of both roles in relationships.

    Sorry for the long-winded answer but it is a difficult topic to discuss in two sentences.

    PS – I CAN’T WAIT for your movie, my girlfriend and I are really looking forward to it!

  19. Women’s day blog This was really good In most societies the examples of relationships between men and women rarely get beyond fairy tales At an early age we are capable of creating children but not always the balance between man and women to be successful parents Family courts all over the globe try to sort out the mistakes people make when they become parents My own parents had a relationship of equality that influenced me However , was still not completely ready at 21 to marry when i did Societies often showcase the individuals who succeed in business and personal development rather than the ones who strike a balance between parenting and financial success Your blog was long overdue Gene

  20. It’s neither agree nor disagree since I got both strong enough parents. I was grew in single father family, my mum passed away when I was 10 due to cancer. She did knew that she won’t be able to live long and had try to taught us almost everything she could. I remember that me and my siblings started to do all the household duties ever since we have memory and able start to remember things. She even taught me how to cook when I was 7 and I cooked for my family’s dinner for whole two years when I was 9-10 until she left. She had done what a mother should be done in her short lifetime for 4 of us. My dad was not really care about us in the past maybe all the stress and debt for medical made him keep going out and drinking. But he is now a completely different people after my mum gone. He take this all all alone. I knew he was hurt too when mum passed away but I had never seen my dad shed a single tear for my 23 years of life. He take very good care of us and didn’t run away from from all the debts even when he was unemployed. He work really hard to promise all the people that he will pay back them bit by bit. He even paid for the debt that my grandfather’s business left when other of my grandparents’ children took all the money and left. He never thought of run away and stood up to face all of the trouble directly is the thing I admired him most. He was always been so responsible and strong to raise up all of us. I was really lucky enough to have both strong parents and I believe there is not which gender is stronger coz it’s all depends on how the certain people due with it when problem come. No one is really that weak, just that they have been too comfortable and bless all the time and haven’t meet the real struggle of life yet.

    1. Thank you for sharing your story. I think it’s important for people to share their struggles, it really makes everybody realize that we are all on an equal playing field. I admire that you recognize the strength your dad had despite the appearance of not having it together. It sounds like he is an honorable man.

  21. I totally understand where you’re coming from. And you’re not degrading men, just expressing how you view women! My mom lost my dad when I was very young, and being an immigrant and raising two kids on her own in a country that is not native to her, and doing it all on her own is what I call courage and strength! She is the strongest person I know and I admire her so much. She everything and more! I am truly a lucky girl to call her mom!

  22. This has to be the sincerest compliment to women that I’ve ever come across ! It’s nice to know that there actually are guys who admit that they are weak, that they are afraid to face struggles and make mistakes.

    Thanks for your honest and genuine words Phil!

  23. Women’s day international what an appropriate blog from reading it and the replies I was not ready at 21 for a real relationship when i married The only reason it lasted 20 years was the equality in the example of my parents Accepting responsibility for everything we do in life is not equal for the most part between men and women in most societies The courts try hard to sort out the mistakes both genders make ( just spend a bit of time watching and listening in family relations courts anywhere in the world ) Republics that try to intervene like Finland when it becomes known that very young persons are becoming parents to guide them as to what their governments provide to help them are on the right track The cultural conditioning received in most countries does not go much beyond fairy tales Literature does help with the examples it shows, but most of us are focused on getting ahead with technical training to read much literature I do not have any answers to this except that the example of persons who seem to learn both as the get educated are the ones societies should emphasize more often an not just the founders of enterprises that succeed financially This discussion was really great gene this is the first version i tried to post

  24. Thanks for posting this Philip. Women just have it harder on this planet. As a female who’s about to turn 30, none of the milestones I’ve expected to experience in my 20’s have happened (having children and getting married). I feel like most first generation asians are subjected to gossip by family members if they are not married and have children before the age of 30, and it’s terrible. If you’re not married by 25, you’re a failure, and by 30 if you’re still not married you might as well jump off of a building.

    As a female about to be 30, I feel an extreme amount of pressure to get married and have children ASAP. The time is ticking and it honestly scares me, a female’s eggs are optimal at 30 years old and after that your chances of being fertile drop significantly. Men my age and older do not have to worry about this, they can go into a relationship with a female in her mid 20s, and procreate easily. Change the roles and the female is deemed a cougar, and chances of fertilization lower, with a high possibility your offspring coming out with some sort of mental ailment like down syndrome.

    Anyways, I enjoyed reading this. Thanks for acknowledging that women have it harder (men have it hard as well in different aspects too), not many men can admit that.

  25. “But a guy’s comments/thoughts are few and far between. Why? 1, Pride? We might not want to admit our faults/struggles because it makes us look bad. 2, Guys don’t think about this much and therefore don’t even realize there’s a problem. 3, Yeah, maybe I just really have no guys wanting to read about relationships (although I really think guys should read because… yo, I keep it real here. I’m not feeding romantic fairy tales or anything)” in the spirit of keeping it real, I actually do read your blog, and I read about relationships. If I am silent, sometimes it’s because somebody else has already said it and I don’t feel the need to add my own or I feel that whatever I say will just add to the noise. (Case in point, Charles A already said the same thing above.) Other times I really just don’t have the time and/or energy to articulate what I think and feel in a blog’s comment section. I also am cautious about just giving out advice because I tend to operate on the assumption that the person asking for advice is often capable of living his/her life better than I can.

  26. Phil, I feeling hard continue… I don’t know who I can talk to. This is not related to your post. But, I can tell you not all women’s/girls are tough/strong as you think. When they were try to be strong… sometimes they were not…

  27. Okay. So that made me tear.

    Lemme explain.

    I was in Asia a few weeks ago. My mum came to visit me in SF while she was here and was starting to have leg problems (I mean, she’s always had leg problems, but it was worsening while she was here). We then went to Singapore and HK to visit my brother. I started to notice that she was getting worse and worse. Before I left to come back here, my mum went to the doc’s and she told me she was getting better. Right before her flight, apparently she had hurt it again. To the point that she had to be wheelchaired onto the plane.

    I was kinda freaking out when I heard all this from my bro. I was crying due to two reasons:
    1) I was helpless. One of the hardest things about growing up is watching your parents age.
    2) My mum is one of the toughest people out there. To know that she was crying because of her pain meant that it must’ve been bad.

    Needless to say, my mum is back in Toronto and is fine now. She’s been super positive and assures both my brother and I that she will be fine. One of the things that I had realized is that my mum is one of the strongest, positive, and toughest people that I know.

    That’s why your post totally resonated with me. Thanks for writing such an awesome blog post. Keep at it!

  28. Hello Phil
    Just dropping a note because i think you are a great and nice man. also i just ISATv where u just got punked.. Heh
    I used to watched all of the WFW videos weekly and i think that video just help me fill the long due vlog style of you guys’ updates.
    I found this space and i like that there is guy out there who is brave to be open, to express and share his thoughts in a global scale(sounds scary). But really i think its must feel great to have an amazing role in the Youtube scene as the pioneer YTber who uploads quality videos. not that it may matter that im saying to you but you are doing amazing job and please continue to do so. bit by bit and i cant wait to see how wongfu grows to be.. And also how ur life will blossom in time to come. If u are willing to share more of your personal experiences. 🙂
    You must made my evening brighter to know that life can good and not be stuck in the banking scene which i am in now. Planning to work thru weekend just to make sure the week starts with no issues! Wish me luck!
    Cheery cheers,
    Singapore’88 ✌️

  29. I’m a guy; I read appreciate your posts, so let’s be friends 🙂 Back on topic though: In terms of ‘strength’, the best explanation I have ever heard is ‘power over time’ and I believe that roughly translates to being a person who is able to make the hard choices for either themselves or their community over a sustained/long periods of time.

    It is a trait that only can be observed over a long period of time and I think we see it most in our parents since we have known them all of our lives. Ultimately, I don’t think its a gender thing but a time thing. The longer that you’ve been around on this planet , the more you see it around you. I’m sure you’re noticing more examples of ‘strength’ around you as well 🙂

  30. While I think that guys too are also emotionally affected just as much as girls do, it is those that are “more invested” in any relationship is bound to be hurt the most or always finding themselves thinking or having everything remind them of that person. In a relationship it is rarely split into 50-50.

  31. Wow, Phil! No idea you even had a WordPress page until I finally got around to watching “Accumulated,” which I must say left me speechless. I’ve been a long-time Wong Fu fan, since the Yellow Fever video, and it’s amazing to see how far you’ve come. Anyways, this is a great piece, and I’ve got to agree with you. I understand where you’re coming from and that you don’t intend to put men down by any means. Women do have to go through a lot more physical and emotional pain at times than men, and even if they don’t go through more pain, I would argue that they are usually under more pressure to subdue and mask the pain in order to make it seem as though they are just fine. Women are always having to play catch-up to men, because they’re already at a disadvantage. It’s unfair that women are constantly looked down upon and deemed weaker than their male counterparts. It’s even more unfair that when they finally let out their pain and frustrations that they’re ridiculed for it rather than being praised. Opening up about your feelings and making yourself vulnerable is one of the strongest things a person can do. Men feel the need to hide their emotions and bottle up their feelings because they are supposed to be “stronger.” At the end of the day this only causes more internal damage. This may be the reason why suicide rates are so much higher among men than women. Culture has created this high and mighty image for us guys, and in all honesty it’s probably entirely our own doing. We’re not supposed to show weakness, or talk about our feelings, or cry, because we’re men, and men don’t do that. Why? If you ask me, I would suggest that it’s time to abandon this fake persona. We’re all human, like you said, and we all have our own problems and our own emotions that we have to deal with. Us guys should learn a thing or two from the girls and talk to each other about what’s going on. Reach out to your other guy friends and tell them that you’re having a hard time. Be honest. If you feel the need to cry, by all means do it. Show how you feel. Open up. The only reason we don’t is fear. Actually showing what’s inside takes courage, strength, bravery, and a lot of it. So in that sense as well, women are much stronger than us. They’ve already figured all of this out too, so you might even argue that they’re smarter. So, well…dang. We gotta get it together, guys.

    Sorry for such a lengthy comment, but you said you wanted some feedback from dudes, so there it is. I guess I could have just said something simple like “Yeah, Phil. I totally agree! You took the words right out of my mouth.” But, you know, it’s 2 in the morning and I’m feeling adventurous. I’ve got to say though, I love your writing. I love your work. I love Wong Fu. You guys have inspired me tremendously over the years, and I can’t thank you enough for that. I wouldn’t be the young, adult male that I am today without the lessons I’ve learned from you guys. Thanks for everything you do. And I hate myself for doing this, especially because I know how ridiculously busy you must be every single day, but hey, if you’re ever bored and want to read something, I’m an aspiring writer myself:

    Thanks again. Wong Fu For Life!

  32. That was really sweet, and it came right at the moment I was slightly losing faith in guys. It’s really easy to generalize and lose sight of the individuals who make a difference, and I think it’s sad that loudest people are the ones that tend to misrepresent what they supposedly stand for. Thanks for the appreciation! It really made me feel better 🙂

  33. I think….women do look stronger because they are “allowed” to break down first. I think letting go some of the crappy feelings before trying to move on kinda helps. On the other hand, men can’t really do that and from what I’ve learned in psychology…..bottling up negative feelings and pretending that you’re okay is never a way out. Just some thought 😉

  34. @philipwang
    Hey Phil, I know I shouldn’t post this here since this is my comment for your latest post and not this one. I wanted to tweet the comment but the more I wrote the longer it got and it just couldn’t fit into twitter unless I spam you with lotsa tweets. So here is better right? ): SPOILER: Just in case you don’t want to read any feedback on your latest post, please skip this.

    Anyway, yeah, sometimes it terrifies me when I realise that I am doing something that the me in the past hated – when I go against my own principles. I think it is difficult for fans to know whether you are truly a nice guy to the core and as superficial as this may sound, I think it matters a little to many of us (but I am still glad that you wrote about this), compared to how much it matters to the people around you – your friends, your companions, your partners-in-crime (because after all, we only see you on our laptop screen and during special events. And I guess as long as you don’t murder someone or appear on the front page of the newspaper for robbing a bank or getting involved in something controversial (in a bad way) or acting all high and mighty, we will like you & support you no matter what). Thus, I am happy that you came up with this post and I hope that the people that know you don’t misunderstand you as fishing for fans’ compliments or making us look-up to you like you are the epitome of a nice guy because that’s what we do: …. we write things err.. that fans write? (and support Wong Fu prod’s movie!! YESS!!!) That’s why we are called fans. But I sincerely hope that your companions will know this too – that you don’t take their emotions for granted and that you don’t use those to propel yourself into heaps of compliments and words of encouragement from us – fans once again. I hope that your intention gets to them because sometimes it is easier to write, when you can slowly untangle your cluttered thoughts, than to say it out in words (ermmm.. that’s for me at least)

    Btw, I like the ending where you ask us to look up to those nice people around us. Plus, the things that you write about always manage to make me think a lot and emo for hours (emo in a good way, don’t worry XP). I read your post few hours ago but it rendered me speechless. Spent time thinking about it when I really should be studying… Have a good day!

    And I will keep this in mind as a fan: You are not a “nice guy”. You’ve met true “nice guys”. Okay. 🙂 That’s okay.

  35. Uh… so I noticed that someone else already posted a response to your next post, on this post. Because hey, you had to go and disable comments for that one! I’ll try to keep it short, because you obviously don’t want comments… but I had to say this: You say you’re not a “nice guy”, and that you know some “real nice guys” out there. But who knows that those people are not thinking the exact same thing about you? We all make mistakes, and sometimes we are the only ones who knows about ALL our mistakes. So it is easy to label other people as nice guys when you haven’t seen their darkest moments (sorry to sound so dramatic). I’m not saying you are wrong or that you are “definitely a nice guy” to contradict your post (I don’t know enough about you, so maybe you’re really the jerk that you say you are 😛 ) But good intentions already count halfway to being nice, so… if we just keep the good intentions coming, we will slowly get better at the “doing” part!

  36. Slightly random, but I really liked the way you structured this post. Aside from that, I love what you had to say and I can agree with a lot of it. I’ve always seen my mom and grandmother as the base/rock of my family. Women are powerful and the things they do and sacrifice really do amaze me. Thanks for the post 🙂

  37. Thanks for writing this Phil. I wish there’s a way for me to share this on Facebook but you took all my thoughts on this and put it into writing. I also hope you and your friends at WongFu will use you God-given talents to bring forth more awareness about this.

    Yes, men are not in touch with our feelings and emotions and we go on the extreme whenever we try to calibrate them – we either undercook or overcook it. Often with destructive consequences. I won’t speak up to disagree, but I will say that there are a few of us who realise that there is work to be done and are working to get ourselves handled.

    I, myself, have lost quite a few people (including a girl I was very much in love with) by my failure to control my anger/frustration when faced with difficult situations. We, men, need to understand that when the storm hits, the people close to us will look to hang on to us like those trees that people cling on to during tsunamis. If our roots are not deep enough, we will be carried away as well. Thanks again, Phil.

    1. Hmm, I realized that the ‘share’ buttons will only appear once I click on the full article to make a comment. I hope that explains my weird-sounding 2nd sentence. Okay, the blog entry is now shared on Facebook :)!

      p/s WordPress should really have an ‘edit’ comment feature! Sorry for the typos.

  38. Thought provoking Phil! I have just recently come to know about Wongfu production (what kind of person I am, I know!) I know I am fashionably late but I just thought I’d jump on the bandwagon to put my two cents in.

    I guess the first thing that came to my mind is that perhaps we tend to be more critical to our own gender and more forgiving to the other. I am not saying this is universal, but I can definitely see a pattern in my own life and many others (ex. Mama’s boy/ Daddy’s girl). The way I look at this is that men and women are created differently(biological, emotional, physical or what have you), would face different hardships, and hence cope differently as well. Could it be that girls were designed to have a higher capacity to cope better, and men were designed to be more stable so they didn’t need to cope as much? I guess I’ll never find out during the course of this life. And that does leave me some questions: Are we judging men’s strength based on the “reality” that we see, or are there more to why men are not “performing” better than women during crisis? If there were potentials that men can overcome whatever hardships that they are facing, as native as can be, maybe all it takes is one person to say to them that they can measure up and are worth believing in?

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