“…Maybe up here you’re Mr. Truth, Mike. But in the real world, where it counts, you’re a fraud. How’s that for the truth? You… dick.”
I watched Birdman a few months ago, and this line hit me so hard when I saw it. In the scene, an actress was coming off stage, livid at her costar for trying a humiliating stunt on stage without telling her. She let him have it. This line has continued to linger with me since. The idea of some self-righteous actor, but in reality, he’s a fraud.. a fraud. It’s stuck with me, I guess because I could relate to it.
The reason is because, I am a fraud. Please know that this is not some pity party post that is looking for sympathy comments and encouragement. This is simply me coming clean in a sense. In every post, every sentimental tweet and instagram caption, every transparent and personal short film I make, I always see the comments from you the readers and supporters praising me. Saying how “deep” I am, how amazing it is that I’m so thoughtful and emotional. How inspiring my words and work are.. I see it all. And honestly, it makes me feel like a fraud.
Have you not considered that these stories and words came from a source? They came from actions and ideas that affected another person in a negative way, which therefore gave me the inspiration to write about it. My response to the pain I inflicted. And I get the praise for that? I’m labeled as “insightful”? I stand behind a label of “nice guy”?
No. The truth is, I am not a nice guy. I’ve met true “nice guys”, and I know that I am so far from those people. It’s not to say that I’m not a “good” guy, or that I didn’t start out with the intention of being one, or that I wasn’t at some point. But somewhere along the way, I became the type of person I detested when I was a “nice guy”.
I’m not proud of this. I’m not sharing this with you to add to my self-righteousness. I’m not looking for people to think, “wow, he’s so self aware and reflective..aww..”. And I’m not feeling “woe is me, oh the guilt I possess..” I’m sharing this so that the truth can be out there, and so that no one can say, “Look at this guy thinking he’s so nice and people look up to him for it, but I know the truth…”
The truth is that I’ve hurt people. The people who’ve treated me the best, I’ve treated the worst. I’ve misunderstood and misplaced my emotions. I’ve been dishonest and let a lot of people down. I’ve made people cry. I neglect my family. I’m impatient. I’ve tried so hard to be something so great, and in the process, yes, I’ve brought hundreds of thousands of people joy, but at the cost of breaking down a very select few.
So there it is.
I appreciate everyone’s support over the years of Wong Fu. I’m glad my shorts and stories on our YouTube channel and this blog/social media have meaning to you. I just really wanted to be honest with you all. And I know no one was asking for this transparency or apology (it’s not like I’m some celebrity who committed some scandal and needs to have a press conference to come clean).. but knowing what’s really in my head, and seeing all this relatively blind praise I receive makes me even more guilty than the actions themselves. Like I’m exploiting the emotions of those I’ve hurt. And that’s really the last thing I’d want. If anything, I feel like I should be punished (that’s how ppl learn right? consequences?)
I do what I do simply to share my journey. It’s what you’ve felt and thought. It’s what you’ve committed and recovered from. But I receive a lot of praise for actions I’m not proud of. The true praise should go to the subjects. Those who’ve been patient, and kind, and listened, and taught. Those who’ve forgiven me. Those who might not even read this. I do what I do, as a release. As efforts to make sense of my thoughts and actions and move forward.
I’m just a guy with some ppl who are willing to listen. Thanks for that at the very least. But there are much better ppl, probably closer to you, who are far better. Be sure to praise them, uplift them, look up to them as well.
UPDATE: I just went into my archives.. and apparently I wrote a xanga entry about the same topic as this one… in 2007. geezus. Make some progress man..